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“Signs Your Mascot Is Overpaid”
- Substitutes “cavier” for “peanuts” in his rendition of “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”
- Travels with an impressive posse of all kinds of critters
- Puts on Howard Hughes-style white gloves before touching a kid
- For a tax break, establishes phony charity to support less fortunate mascots of the mid-'80s
- Size 18 Gucci loafers
- Changes name to William Exeter “Skip” Marlin III
- Buys his way into a country club that previously discriminated against those of scaly skin
- Shoots wads of 20s into the stands
- He arrives at the ballpark loaded down with more Saks bags than Winona Ryder
- He doesn't give the umpire glasses, he sends out a lasik surgeon
