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“Reasons Bud Selig Is Retiring In 2006”
- Looking for an exciting new business to run into the ground
- 2007 is projected as a sizzling hot year for used car sales
- Modern cloning techniques will make it possible for knock-off Buds to handle the job without a noticeable loss of efficiency
- His NBC-backed XBL should be ready to launch
- Gives the owners ample time to find a successor and systematically drain him of any ability for independent thought
- He's set a goal of five consecutive All-Star Games ending in a tie
- Lockouts just don't have the same appeal as they once did
- Someone clued him in on the correct definition of “lackey” and he's steamed
- With the sport folding in 2005, his services will no longer be needed
- Will have surpassed the record for longest tenure by a puppet (currently held by Lampchop)
