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“Responsibilities of the Yankee Team Captain”
- Must wear Yankee stars-and-stripes top hat to all team functions
- Issues all public apologies for the owner
- Cleans up David Wells' vomit
- Obligated to buy all Yankee memorabilia for sale on ebay
- Is first player to approach on-field streakers
- Must cut Phil Rizzuto's meat at all post-game meals
- Must scrape barnacle off the Boss' yacht in off-seasons after not winning the World Series
- Shines Zim's head between sixth and seventh innings
- Has to send roses every day to Marilyn Manson
- When out on the town, must pay off all outstanding Mickey Mantle/Billy Martin bar tabs
