“Positive Drug Test Excuses”

10. Someone must have slipped some steroids into my human growth hormones
9. I accidentally sat on Barry Bonds’ toiletry bag
8. I ordered a Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi and they must have given me Stanazolol by mistake
7. I was feeling a little run down, so I thought I’d add a quick 20 pounds of muscle
6. Just trying to take the heat off good buddy Ryan Franklin
5. Curious if Hall of Fame would request a “game-used” needle
4. Robert Novak said it was okay
3. Did I say “never?” I meant “for ten years.”
2. Loved testifying on Capitol Hill, eager to return to find out what “perjury” means.
1. So upset about Canseco’s book, I wanted to bulk up and go punch him out