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“Qualifications for the Next Commissioner”
- Must be available to drive George Steinbrenner's son-in-law home
- No sketchy former occupation such as used car salesman
- A candidate that gets Tim McCarver off the air has our vote
- Must finish in the Top 10 of Nathan's hot dog eating contest
- During the decision-making process, ability to differentiate heads from tails with reasonable accuracy
- Can control that maniac George Mitchell at the office holiday party
- Must be able to simultaneously agree with 30 different positions on one issue
- Impeccable express written consent skills
- Have never served in high office, especially President of the United States
- Good penmanship crucial as every official MLB baseball must be individually signed
