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“Advantages Of Being A Major League Umpire”
- Mud used on baseballs tastes mighty good on a Ritz
- Blow a call, sign some autographs, make a bundle
- You used to get all of Sid Fernandez’ leftovers and I ain’t talking about food
- Castroesque job security
- Spit just beads up and rolls right off your ScotchGuarded blazer
- Can control the destiny of a billion-dollar industry with your thumb
- Repeated clicking of your ball/strike indicator in a bar is a guaranteed babe magnet
- You can get sloppy fat and nobody cares
- You can bare-hand kill a player on the field and your union head will stick up for you
- Chest protector makes a bad-ass boogie board
