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“Umpire Contract Demands”
- Controversial video screen replays replaced by highlights from The Food Network.
- Ball/strike indicator now dispenses Pez.
- Mud used to rub down balls replaced by a delicate Hollandaise sauce.
- Cleaning service hired to brush off home plate.
- Physical fitness test now consists only of opening a flip-top can of pudding.
- Umpires take the field accompanied by a laser-light show and a Blue Angel flyover.
- Home plate umpire ball bag enlarged to accommodate Dunkin’ Munchkins.
- Between inning organ music replaced by soothing ocean wave sounds.
- All vendors must add the basepaths to their routes.
- The head of Roberto Alomar.
