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“Best Things About Being An Ex-Umpire”
- Can use your little brush in new job with Merry Maid Cleaning Service
- Knowing that people hate you for you, not just because you’re an umpire
- No longer required to adhere to strict fitness guidelines, you can really let yourself go
- Can be abusive to ordinary folks, not just millionaires
- You always wondered what it would be like to drag the infield — now you get to find out
- With your chest protector and mask, you’re a shoo-in for that Limp Bizkit security job
- Richie said we can just relax and wait for baseball to come crawling back
- You’ve got that natty red uniform shirt for your interview at Ace Hardware
- Practiced, booming voice perfect for asking, “May I help you?” over the drive-through intercom
- Pockets once filled with baseballs now filled with Smores
